MaxwellDB It's me. I am the product.

Scenes from Hell: Incentives Are for the Exceptional

Here, the story of little Peter Laramie, a kid from a world I don't want to live in, continues.

INT. SUBURBAN BUNGALO KITCHEN / LARAMIE HOME - LATE AFTERNOON

               The Laramie home is a median household income kind of place
               that's recently fallen on hard times. The accoutrements that
               signal some moderate degree of success in America are absent:
               there are no useless cathedral ceilings, granite counter tops
               or stainless steel appliances. How does this family do it?
               How do they not kill themselves right then and there? It is a
               mystery.

               DICK LARAMIE, 44, doughy, recently-shaven, wearing business
               casual clothing, sits at the kitchen table. He's circling
               classified job ads in a newspaper. His son, PETER LARAMIE,
               12, short, wearing faded, out-of-style clothing, enters
               through a side door. He's tired after a long day at school;
               his backpack weighs his shoulders down.

                                   DICK
                             (without looking up)
                         How was school?

               Peter hangs his backup up on a loose coat hook. It falls off;
               he tries another one with success.

                                   PETER
                         Fine. We have a field trip next
                         week--
                             (quieter)
                         Twenty-five bucks.

                                   DICK
                             (looks at Peter briefly)
                         Can't do it. 

                                   PETER
                         Why not? It's to a play we're
                         reading for Language Arts. We've
                         got a test on it after.

                                   DICK
                         So you're reading it anyway?

                                   PETER
                         But that's not the same!

                                   DICK
                             (focus back to paper)
                         It's close enough.
                             (beat)
                         When I was a kid, field trips were
                         free. Teacher's union must be
                         getting greedier.

                                   PETER
                         My school doesn't let teachers be
                         in unions. Why can't I go to the
                         play?

                                   DICK
                         Not in official unions, anyway.

               Dick intently circles some more classified ads. 

                                   PETER
                             (fixing a bow of cereal)
                         Dad, why can't I go?

                                   DICK
                             (pestered, folding paper
                              corners)
                         Because your teachers are greedy.
                             (beat)
                         Because I'm looking for new work
                         right now.

                                   PETER
                             (still)
                         You lost your job?

                                   DICK
                         I didn't lose it-- it was taken
                         from me.

                                   PETER
                         Who took it?

                                   DICK
                         You did-- you and the regulations
                         that hurt my job-creating
                         employers.
                             (beat)
                         And possibly Sanchez.

                                   PETER
                         But I'm twelve, dad.

                                   DICK
                             (yelling)
                         Yeah, and who do all the young
                         people vote for?

                                   PETER
                             (confused, tears welling)
                         But I can't vote, dad.

                                   DICK
                         Right, I... forgot. There's still
                         time. What do I say about who to
                         trust, Petey?

                                   PETER
                             (sniffles, wipes eyes)
                         "Don't trust anyone under forty?" 

                                   DICK
                         That only counts if they can drive.
                         Can you drive, Petey?

                                   PETER
                             (off-guard)
                         No, sir.

                                   DICK
                         Then sit on my knee. Let me tell
                         you some things.

               Peter glances at his father's knee, then to an open kitchen
               chair.

                                   PETER
                         Can I sit in a chair instead?

                                   DICK
                             (hand on chin)
                         Yes. For now.

               Peter sits in the chair, crosses his legs, and cautiously
               leans forward.

                                   DICK (CONT'D)
                         Now, you might have overheard me
                         talking to your mother, or on the
                         phone-- that my sales numbers have
                         been bad this year.

                                   PETER
                         No. Yeah.

                                   DICK
                         They've been bad because I'm a bad
                         salesman, right?

                                   PETER
                             (unthinking)
                         Right?

                                   DICK
                         Wrong. It's because my employer,
                         L.E.S., they make circuit boards--
                         good ones. And the best way to make
                         those good circuit boards is to use
                         a lot of chemicals, some of which
                         need to go somewhere.

                                   PETER
                         Is that why we don't have ducks
                         anymore?

                                   DICK
                         No one ever proved that-- what's a
                         duck ever done for you?-- anyway,
                         the Democrat types and the RINOs
                         let the EPA tell L.E.S. that they
                         can't make their circuit boards
                         like they used to-- that they need
                         to do it a more expensive way. 

                                   PETER
                         That's good, though, if it means we
                         can have ducks back. And it means I
                         can bring tap water to school
                         instead of paying quarters at the
                         fountain like in fourth grade.

                                   DICK
                         No, it's not good, since now I
                         don't have a job. We couldn't raise
                         prices on them any more; in order
                         to keep things profitable and
                         maintain market share, some of the
                         sales force had to be let go.
                             (beat)
                         The guys left at the office are
                         working twice as hard as before,
                         poor bastards. 

                                   PETER
                             (wide-eyed)
                         They must be making almost twice as
                         much money as they used to!

                                   DICK
                         Well, no, the profits go to Mr.
                         Lovejoy and his partners, the
                         owners of the company, first. Then,
                         some of the managers get their
                         bonuses. But workers who work hard
                         can get a raise up to inflation at
                         their yearly performance reviews--
                         our version of report cards. 

                                   PETER
                         That's weird. When I get above an A
                         minus on my report cards, you take
                         me to the movies. That'd be like if
                         you gave me lots of extra homework
                         and then, if I did it all, that'd
                         be it. 

                                   DICK
                             (looking down at table,
                              picking at a knot)
                         And, actually, with the performance
                         metrics we use, sales will probably
                         have their salaries frozen because
                         they'll be making fewer contacts
                         per client per month to deal with
                         the extra work. 

                                   PETER
                         Why?

                                   DICK
                         Adults make sacrifices when times
                         are tough. 

                                   PETER
                             (incredulous)
                         But, dad, Matt Lovejoy's in my
                         homeroom! He gets new clothes every
                         week and has the iPhone 7 and he's
                         in all premium, extra-credit
                         classes! He can speak German
                         because he has a private tutor in
                         it for when they go on vacation
                         there!

                                   DICK
                         And I'm sure his family have had to
                         sacrifice, too.

                                   PETER
                             (stands up, mad)
                         But he's going to the play, too--
                         in front row seats with his
                         accelerated English class. Their
                         sacrifice is him having to split a
                         whole row with some other kids--
                         ours is me missing out on the play.
                         How is that fair?

                                   DICK
                         Because that's how it is. 

                                   PETER
                         How does it work that you can work
                         hard for Mr. Lovejoy and get fired
                         so that he doesn't have to give up
                         one of his cars or vacations
                         because he wanted to use duck
                         killing chemicals in his circuit
                         boards?

                                   DICK
                         Again: that's just how it is,
                         Petey. We need to incentivize kids
                         like Matt to become successful
                         later in life, you know.

                                   PETER
                         Why can't I be "inventivized," too?

                                   DICK
                         That's "incentivized," and why
                         would you ask for handouts? You're
                         not lazy, are you? Things are how
                         they are because they've worked
                         forever like this.

                                   PETER
                         Why not make it be another way? You
                         said the unions made it hard for my
                         old teachers to be fired-- why
                         aren't you in a union? Why do you
                         want to get fired easily?

                                   DICK
                             (snorts)
                         We're not communists-- not in this
                         family. We have dignity.

                                   PETER
                             (muttering)
                         Matt Lovejoy gets a whole lot of
                         extra dignity.

                                   DICK
                             (sharp)
                         What was that?

                                   PETER
                         Nothing.

                                   DICK
                             (curt)
                         Good. Now, wash-up. Your mother
                         will be home soon; we're having
                         rice two ways tonight.

                                   PETER
                             (walking out of the room)
                             Fine. Whatever. Yes.

                                   DICK
                         And Peter?

                                   PETER
                             (turns)
                         Yeah, dad?

                                   DICK
                         They never proved anything about
                         those ducks. Not a thing.

               Peter sighs and exits the room. Dick continues flipping
               through the classifieds, circling frustratedly.

END OF SCENE

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