Rejection Letter
Dear Mr. Drake,
Sorry for the six month delay! I am writing to inform you that Fitful Dreams Publishing has decided that your erotic young adult fantasy-horror-fiction manuscript, Bloodfire Knights, is not a good fit for our company. We do believe that you might find an audience through another smaller, less successful organization that is run by slobbering, illiterate troglodytes.
To be honest, we passed Bloodfire Knights around the office for laughs while eating lunch a few days ago. No one is quite sure why your knights are on fire so much, nor how "the blood of vengeful ghosts" can maintain a semi-humanoid shape just because it's crammed into revealing suits of armor, but what really killed it for us was the impossibly terrible romance between the daughter of the king of Merlinia and B-Positive, the jive-talking blood knight with a secret heart of gold who has emotional issues because he was a latch-key kid. Does a medieval kingdom even have jive or latch-key kids? Whatever.
Kelly, one of the secretaries here, fed your cover page to her dog. It died. I want you to think about that-- your title alone was so bad that it offed a Rottweiler. If the Muse might choose to visit you again one day in the future, please shut off your lights, sit still, and wait until she's gone.
Please excuse any crumbs or salad dressing that might be stuck to this page.
Thanks,
Theresa Maret
Junior Unpaid Intern
Fitful Dreams Publishing
Class Struggle, Part II
Inside the classroom’s eggshell blue walls, most of the nineteen students in English 8D had settled into their seats. Schoolhouse geography is an almost universal thing: failures and bright underachievers in the back, average kids in the middle, over-eager over-achievers in the front. Dana Andrews, as a beneficiary of special ed’s integration and normalization program, sat with his aide near the door. He would scream without provocation, sometimes, and she would take him into the hallway until he could calm down.
Genretrash Safari
I can hop genres! Look at me go!
Starfire Nights
Rear Admiral Jack Manning had only moments to think. The Xeq’tralian warship, covered in the blood of a thousand human colonies, was bearing down on his ship, the USS Moscow-Tokyo, at between .9 and .95 times the speed of light. He gritted his teeth bravely; his chest was ready for combat; there were a lot of medals on it (one for saving the President). He ordered his gunnery chief, Lara Lei, to open fire with everything they had.
Class Struggle – Part I
My fourth period class had just ended. This meant that I had a free block, which actually meant that I had forty-six precious minutes—two minutes of travel allowed each way—to rush through paperwork and grading while sucking down lunch. If I were sufficiently productive, God willing, I could allow myself to have some ‘me time’ tonight. Nothing extravagant: maybe I could catch the evening news.
Roderick Report — AP
RIVERBAY, MA-- A rogue criminal investigator from the IRS continued his reign of terror yesterday when he assaulted and then illegally detained the employees of a Temple Street law firm. The man, identified as Roderick Stockingforth, allegedly held the forty employees of Bixby, Baxter and Frutt Legal Services at both gun and fistpoint for three hours before egressing through a plate glass window, announcing that he was "needed elsewhere."
In a joint press conference, Riverbay's mayor and chief of police tried to reassure the public. Chief of Police Phillips stated that "things are under control" and that "no one is going to get you unless you do something wrong or otherwise had it coming." Mayor Halleran added, "Stockingforth is a good man. We thank him for his dedication to righting all of the wrongs that we, his flock, do make, and we do ask him to have mercy on his fellow public servants in the knowledge that his righteous fists are not without mercy." The two officials then announced that they would be leaving the conference site only under cover of darkness at an undisclosed future date.
Roderick Stockingforth, Worst Federal Agent Ever
Jenny Blandford sinks into her office chair, pulls herself up to her desk, and logs into her email account. Lunch Theft Issues from Gary in HR. Delete—she goes out for lunch, anyway. Lose 10 Pounds in 10 Minutes! from shrinkyobutt.net. She’s already on the 20 pounds in 20 days plan. Delete. Fwd: Cute Kitten Meows –Best Video Everr!! from her sister. Well, that’s got to be good. She opens it and watches the video. She smiles—the kitten is cute, and it’s even meowing. Superlative: the video delivers and its title is accurate. “Haha so cute! Thanks!” she replies to her sister. She rolls back and forth in her chair a little. This will be an alright third day on the job, she thinks.
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